I can’t help it.

He showed up eventually, yesterday.
He showed up with my birthday present but I wasn’t home, and then asked to work out at my gym, to which I said ok.
It’s as though there’s an unspoken knowing that we don’t wanta talk about the relationship. It helps to keep me from getting upset again. It’s good to still be friends.  Looking at him sitting across the table from me after all that emotional fiasco for 6 months only made me feel glad that he doesn’t hate me after all the cruel things I’ve said to him.
I kept getting distracted while talking to him & planning if I should meet my sister for dinner while I was still with him.
He said I have too much on my mind. Why do I have so much worry? Why cant I just decide whatever I wanta do and just do it?
I dunno. I just think that not everyone has the freedom to do what he/she pleases like him, that’s why. And I can’t help it. I have responsibilities when a younger sibling stays with me, with no parents around. I have a bit more to do than him. Maybe that’s why.

I wish I cared less about everyone I know. But I just can’t help it.  I’m even planning my birthday celebration not for the sake of myself, but to let people I know have a good time using my birthday as an excuse. I realised nothing makes me happier than making other people happy. Perhaps that’s why I’m in hospitality. No, I’m not trying to make myself a self-sacrificing hero. I just hate to disappoint people because I hate feeling disappointed. When I fail myself, it gets worse.

So I can’t help it but try to multi-task, although I suck at it, and see what happens from there. And having a relationship while trying to multi-task kinda makes the latter harder because I’m not a guy. Guys can compartmentalise their work from their emotions. Girls generally can’t. I’m one of those. So it might be better for me to not be in a relationship until I have less to do. Thinking like this makes me wanta reconsider myself as the marrying kind. Bleah.

I think sleep is what I need now. Or water. Yes. I’ll get some water.

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2 thoughts on “I can’t help it.

  1. haha…i rarely say “i understand how u feel” but in tis case i really do haha…sometimes don’t u wish life was much more simple agree?? haha…anyway juz like u, i put mi frenz above myself…nothing please mi more than seeing my frenz happy…but sometimez when u wonder if yer so-call frenz r using u…so pamper yerself once in awhile and let yerself enjoy the moment ok!!

    haha…hope school’s ok…and erm…noe it not my right 2 ask u but…help mi look after mich ok…she can be real friendly if u get 2 noe her…

    all the best…we’ll meet again….

  2. I don’t know if I can enjoy this moment.. I’ve never cried harder in my life… This breakup is the worst thing so far… But I’ll keep your words in mind.. 🙂

    Haha, as for mich, I’m always happy to know a new friend.. It’s just that she’s always rushing off somewhere, or not coming to class sometimes.. lol.

    Thanks and all the best to you too, dude. 😉 Take care while you’re in Colorado!

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