This entry is about relationships. The start and end of it.
I was single right up till I was like, 19. My friends mostly were single too, because to be honest, my school culture was still rather innocent and asian, which means relationships were either frowned upon or were seen as signs of rebellion, or deviance.
Or I’m just trying to find an excuse for myself since I was so nerdy in braces and horrible haircut that no guys ever took an interest to ask me out on a date. Although things took a better turn after O levels, I was still not interested in having a relationship mostly because I didn’t really have enough confidence in my attractiveness to be somebody’s girlfriend, and I had to play Aunt Agony to 4 close girlfriends who had bad relationships. So, naturally I didn’t think I’d ever have a boyfriend. lol. Of course I proved myself wrong. Someone finally didn’t find me initimating and tried to ask me out despite being rejected several times.
When I finally had my first relationship, my little sister also started her first too, and so did a few of my other friends, in a span of like 2 weeks. It kinda felt arranged, I wanta say God but why would God do something like that? It felt like somebody took the girls around me and decided we’ll all get attached together. lol.
And the same thing happened when I broke that up. Being a girl, I naturally told everyone my reasons for breaking up, that’s when I decided brutal honesty is the best policy when relationships don’t work out and you know you have to end it. And I called it self-protectionism.
I guess this self-protectionism also extended to protecting other people, because, take it from me, having to console a friend who’s in a bad relationship is bad enough, but when the friend decides against ending it once and for all and ends up crying to you (well in this case me) whenever the boyfriend or girlfriend did something to break her/his heart again, I have to be the one trying to drum in the fact that
a) Maybe they haven’t met the right one yet
b) There are lots of other hot fish in the sea
c) My friends are too good for whoever broke their hearts
d) They have to be cruelly decisive, learn and move on.
I guess being the first person to break up a relationship and the one who goes around advocating theories like these, I inspired my flatmate, a couple of close friends, and friends of my close friends who heard about me to break up with their partners as well.
And I’m glad to know they’re thriving on singlehood or they found someone better.
My flatmate told me sister that she felt inspired by me and went ahead to break up with her boyfriend who I met and thought was a total loser, and now she’s happily with someone who can appreciate & take care of her much better. Everyone thought I was crazy to break up with my most recent ex because he’s “quite a catch” (to quote Drama Queen). My flatmate said if I found courage to breakup with someone like my ex, why couldn’t she break it off with her loser of a bf?? lol. And so she did.
Having to break up with the guy I’ve ever truly loved was paralysing and numbing. I quote myself when I say, it formed a moat of indifference around me. I think I’ll never start to date seriously again until I’ve gotten over him. Which is going to take forever. lol.
And this time it’s happened yet again. More friends breaking up with their partners after me. But this time, one of the girls told me that it’s ok to be honest to admit he still has a special place in my heart, and if we’re meant to be, eventually we will be back together.
Of course everyone has their own take on problematic relationships. Some like to work out kinks because that’s how marriages survive. Of course I agree one shouldn’t give up too easily on a relationship, but when it becomes too soul-destroying, and you’ve done your best to save it but nothing seems to have changed for the better, why let yourself get stuck in the rut and make yourself a miserable person??
I don’t speak for all women. I am rather uncompromising. I respect other women who know how to work their feminine charm and assertiveness at the right times to get their men to listen to them, because I’ve tried that and I’ve failed. I believe personalities cannot be changed. If there’s a clash in personalities and the differences are too much for compromises, I’d feel like my individuality’s damaged.
I don’t like couple tee shirts, couple rings, anything to make a couple look alike on the streets. I loathe chauvinism. I don’t deny I’m a little bit feminist. Reading an entry like this would probably make my exes sneer and agree that I am indeed a bitch who demands too much and is too selfish to love someone else other than myself.
But you know, in this blog, anything goes, as long as it’s honest. I’m just being totally honest. And I’m honest when I say, I’m just a girl, I want to be pampered and loved and be taken care of. But at the same time, I want to be respected, not being treated like a belonging, which is seen and not heard.