The one thing with 2 off days in a row, is that you realise all you wanta do is reflect on the status quo, and end up putting off things that you told yourself while you’re working, that you’d do on ur off days… Like, starting on your self-taught Spanish lessons and, doing research to widen your knowledge which is relevant for your work.
I end up, usually, getting frustrated at my status quo because I’m an impatient and greedy little person. I keep thinking how I can’t wait to reach the top of my game, how I can do better, how I should try to be better all the time. I’m never really satisfied with my work performance. I am, what people call, ambitious. Anyway.
My mind is always buzzing with random thoughts when I’m not thinking about work. Therefore I ask many random “what if” questions. Some of them are, “If I die today, will you come to my funeral tomorrow?” and, (to the boyfriend) “Will you get over me if I break up with you today?” I think it comes with the stagnation of living in Singapore. There’s almost zero intellectual stimulation and meaningful entertainments in the everyday hustle and bustle. Maybe I should’ve tried my luck taking the LLB. Then I’ll be surrounded by Ally McBeal types. But I’m not good in my law subjects. Maybe I should’ve taken psychology (since I aced my criminology, sociology and social psychology respectively over my other management and law subjects) but there are a lot of people taking the social sciences whose minds aren’t compatible with mine because essentially, I’m a practical idealist. I’d like to think I’m optimistic, but grounded. Arts majors talk too deeply about philosophical topics that bore me, honestly. For one, if you like Sophie’s World, I’m not with you. I’m more on Malcolm Gladwell’s side.
Still, I drive the people around me crazy. For that, I apologize. I also apologize for my impatience when people can’t make up their minds quick enough about what to have for dinner, and when people take too long to deliver a point, and when they take forever to make themselves understood because they can’t speak English properly. I’m an elitist and purist of sorts, and I can’t point out what I’m picky about.
I think my crazy train of thoughts extends to my dreams too. I dream in colour, and the storylines are always extremely odd and absurd. Think of the Japanese movie “Paprika”, it’s somewhere along that line but more relevant to my life. The boyfriend always thinks it’s scary how my imagination is that ridiculously illogical and probably uninterpretable by Freud.
Recent meetings with friends make me feel fortunate to have them. I mean, there were some pretty destructive and shallow friendships I had when I was younger and too nice to be selective about who I keep in touch with. I guess it’s kinda hard when you hafta go to school and face the same people everyday. But as I age, only people who can relate to my straight-forwardness want to hang out with me. But sometimes I still find it hard to tell someone in the face that I think they’re too arrogant or they’re too self-absorbed or they’re not as great as they think they are. Still. Honest as I can be, I can still choose mercy over brutality.
I am also getting afraid of the power of my attractiveness. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I’m not an ugly person. And I do get a fair amount of male attention, especially since I started working. I’m truly grateful cuz the boyfriend’s not the “jealous type” (a term used by my ex), and trusts me a great deal. But I’m not used to receiving compliments from strangers and mere acquaintances. I’ve never considered myself attractive in comparison to a handful of my female friends, so now I feel like I’m thrown into the shoes of someone who holds feminine power without any training of what to do with it. I’ve seen girls use their looks to manipulate men to their advantage, but I don’t think I can do that on an everyday basis, especially when it comes to work. All I have in useful possession are my common sense and my work credentials. I just hope I won’t get drawn to rely on my feminine charm to get what I want. Sounds a little bit hypocritical especially when everyone thinks all females use a little of their charm to get their way, but I’m a bit of a fair feminist, I believe in gender equality, and I won’t abuse the female advantage to contradict my belief.