I’m still here.

Apologies for my period of absence, I’ve been promoted at work and it’s been pretty hectic. Plus my sister’s given birth to a baby boy and she’s doing confinement at my place, my mother’s here to take care of her, so my place at the mo is still pretty crowded. Has been crowded for the past 3 weeks, will be till the end of this week.

I have to say, it’s nice to come home to food prepared by my mother. It’s nice to chill in front of the telly while the little baby makes funny noises when he’s sleeping on the sofa. This kind of company has been something lacking in my life for quite a bit. Alas, good things never last and soon it’ll be the same old life with me going back to JB to see my folks over the weekends again.

Well.. Speaking of good things never lasting, I think this saying has, together with my personal experiences for the past say, 6-8 years, shaped the way I take things in life. I’m not being pessimistic, I’m not trying to be melodramatic, I’m just being honest.

Nothing in life, except family and history, is permanent.
And I’m sure some of you have heard the saying, “The only constant is change”.

Therefore I never take failures too hard, failed relationships are gotten over (although I know some people take forever to forget) and I bounce back like nothing major happened. In fact, in my first relationship, I told my ex-beau, “You know this is going to end one day right?” Lol. I’m such a sadistic girlfriend.

In the first time I felt defeated in my life, when I didnt’ do well enough in my O levels and couldn’t stay in a school I grew to love, my tutor told me that, “Change is good”. And I didn’t believe what she said and wallowed in self pity and dreaded my school life everyday. I detested going to school everyday. Although I volunteered in the student council and seemed always happy at school, I hated everything I was experiencing. Living at a relative’s place, enduring shallow and meaningless “friendships” that dragged me down and wore me out because I wasn’t being sincere when I was nice, the daily f**king commute, etc. Pretending I was content and happy made life artificial for me. I think that’s when I started to grow immune to empathy. I couldn’t relate to people that much. I refused to care for people genuinely because hey, who cares after graduation? How many people actually bother to keep in touch? Out of those who keep in touch, how many truly understand you as a person? Or do they only want to keep you as a potential business contact?

All good things come to an end too, don’t they? I used to hate cliches, but if you think about it, cliches are thus because there’s truth in them, because they get quoted too much by virtue of being facts. Which means, there’s a good chance they’re safe to believe in.

That’s where I confess that I have commitment issues. My most recent ex-beau still talks to me about anything and everything. I really am lucky because he went through a lot of my ridiculousness. We were talking about why our relationship ended and I was thinking aloud and bingo. I discovered why I couldn’t last in relationships.

Once I get serious in a relationship, I set my expectations too high. But I always find a way to justify them. Then I start getting disappointed when _______(insert name of ex-beau) fails my expectations. Then I get annoyed that they can’t improve to reach them. And I know most of the time it’s to do with their personality. Despite knowing human beings aren’t perfect and all, I refuse to lower the bar because I think I deserve better. And I continue to get impatient and annoyed. And then it comes to a point when I decide I’m making both our lives too difficult and it’s better that we go out separate ways. I do that no matter how much I still care for the person or how much the person says he loves me. Another thing I always say is that I think brutal honesty is the best policy. Thankfully, I still am on friendly terms with 2 out of my 3 ex-beaus. Therefore I don’t think I should be dating anyone unless the person likes being tortured by a paranoid & psycho bitch of a girlfriend like me. Oh, trust me, I’m too different as a friend as opposed to a girlfriend.

God knows why I’m confessing all these things today. But then again I used to do a lot of confessing here and at my previous blog space too. It’s ridiculous. When the mood strikes I can’t stop. Like when I clean (once in a blue blue moon), I don’t wanta stop (espcially when I have the time) because it gets too therapeutic. God, i need a spa holiday. Maybe next year I’ll go somewhere nice. Bali? Let’s see. Hehehe.
I’ll be visiting Ho Chin Minh in October. I really can’t wait to get away. I can’t stand Singapore. No surprises there, if you bother to search for what I said about this island in the past, maybe you’ll be grinning in agreement to the things I say. Or not.

Anyways, I better get going. I’ve only gotten through Monday.

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One thought on “I’m still here.

  1. Pingback: ezineaerticles » Blog Archive » I’m still here.

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